A few weeks ago I finished my first year at LSU. It was everything I expected and nothing like I expected all at the same time. The transition from small schools to a school of this size where the graduating class alone was over half the population of the town I went to high school in. Quite frankly it was hard and I expect that it is only going to get harder as I get closer to graduating. That’s how it goes right? As you get stronger/smarter the tests get harder. The fall semester humbled me to the point of basically finishing finals in tears after each test and begging God to help me to not feel like such a failure. I had the worst GPA I have ever had which resulted in me being put on probation, it was heartbreaking to say the least. I have always thought that I was a pretty good student and that if I studied well enough I would pass my classes. At LSU tests are very seldom given in class as there are too many students to grade by hand, so there is a testing center where all tests are given on the computer. You would think that this would be easier but I can assure that is not the case. It seemed that no matter how much I studied A’s were not I my reach. I didn’t understand…was I studying too much? was I not studying enough? what the heck was going on?why couldn’t I seem to pass my tests? The answers never came. I failed over and over again. I literally wanted to just quit. I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep. I prayed and prayed and I felt like God wasn’t listening to me He just keeps saying “trust yourself…trust me”.
Um what?
Abba that’s not helping me to pass this test. I do trust you what are you talking about?
all HE would say is “trust me…trust yourself”.
OH dear BOB! Abba I do what do you mean???
Christmas break couldn’t come quick enough. I was DONE…I felt like I had officially failed at life. God wasn’t talking to me, I was questioning my path and if I was on the right one or if the reason I was doing so bad was because I was not on the right path.” Abba can you hear me??”
About a week before Christmas I was reading one of my YouVersion reading plans Rick Warren’s Daily Devotional the title for that day was “God Says You’re Capable”
I wrote some of it in my journal:
Perhaps you look at life and think its working, sure you have your problems, but compared to others you’re probably considered successful. Yet inside there is still a gnawing inner insecurity and lack of confidence and a feeling of incompetence. Why is that?
It’s because you’re still listening to old tapes from your past, and they are no more true now than they were then…You need to quit believing those lies and start believing God…
Start repeating what God says about you: I am acceptable, I am loveable, I am valuable, I am forgivable and I am capable.
It was just what I needed to hear. My Abba reminding me that He is always with me.
Stasia,
I’m here always. Your grades were bad, yes but you can do better and you will. Remember in me you can do ALL THINGS. Keep your heart turned toward me and you will always hear my voice. You are not a failure because YOU ARE MINE. I don’t make mistakes. Don’t despise small beginnings, it’s how I begin my best work.Trust me daughter my plans for you are phenomenal just like I made you to be. Just wait, you’ll see.
Abba
PS I love you so much more than you can imagine.
Spring was hard but better. I took easier classes to work on my GPA and I am going to summer school as well. I didn’t fail any of my classes this last semester and while I’m not quite where I want to be as far as my grades go I am off to a good start. Cheers to summer!!
