“Can’t speak So close I can feel You breathe You’re so holy and worthy You know what I’ve been Can’t move So close to You I’m see through No, not innocent like you Oh God, I’m sorry
I’m livin’ in awe You don’t need me at all But You couldn’t love me more Ohhh I’m livin’ in awe Every day I fall But You never let me go…”
I mentioned before that I was reading the Shack over the summer (It was phenomenal and if you haven’t read it then please do!) and there was a particular part of the book where Mac was looking up at the stars with Jesus and Jesus told him that as beautiful as the stars are in the night sky it pales in comparison to what God sees when he looks at us. The song In Awe by Hollyn reminds me of that part.
I know that in my experience there are few things more beautiful than the stars in the night sky. It is one of the things I miss most about living in Missouri, the fact that you could always see the stars at night. But to think that God sees mankind as more beautiful than that is humbling. Especially after the events of the last week in Charlottesville or just yesterday in Barcelona where we showed God just how cruel and evil mankind can be. He still loves us.
I thought this blog was going to be mostly about the events of Charlottesville and all that has taken place there but as I typed all I saw was my anger being put into words. It was tough to read back and even tougher to realize that I was in fact angry. Was it warranted?
Um, yes.
But it isn’t necessary for me to broadcast it. We have enough anger in the media and I don’t want to add to that. So instead I let it sit in my saved documents for a day. The very next day I read this:
“Choosing to love your enemies is not easy, and it doesn’t always yield visible results right away, but it is the main reason why people of color were finally treated with dignity in our land. It is also the gift given to the human race by the Savior who forgave his enemies from the cross. Who needs your mercy today?” (youversion reading plan)
Well, I didn’t want to hear that at all.
But I needed it. Because while right now the way that we, as people of color, are being treated doesn’t discount the fact that we have come a long way from where we once were, and that is because our ancestors chose to let God avenge us. It is hard because where our ancestors were strong and meek, we are strong and fierce. Nevertheless, I keep reminding myself that to be meek is stronger than being fierce because it takes more discipline to hold my tongue than it does to speak my mind. So, I am trying to be more like them.
As I listened to the lyrics of this song I couldn’t help but reflect on my relationship with God and all that we have gone through together and how he still loves me.
Which brings me back to being a bit overwhelmed at the fact that while working through my initial anger and walking toward forgiveness (I’m not there yet but getting closer) God still loves me as if I am completely innocent. And for whatever reason he still wants to use me.
In the midst of this I cannot help but stand (or kneel sometimes) in awe of God’s overwhelmingly undeserved love for me. For us all.
He loves me when I am mean and ugly to those I love the most
He loves me when I don’t love me
He loves my awkwardness even though I really don’t
He loves me because he made me exactly who I am…good, bad and ugly
And to think that the same way he feels about me individually he looks at every other person on this earth with the same kind of love. It is truly overwhelming.
Song list
- In Awe by Hollyn
- Redemption Song by Bob Marley
- You got my Love by Jonathan McReynolds
- Hills and Valleys by Tauren Wells
