Hey everybody,
It has been a while since I have written and for that I apologize. Life got the best of me for a while. I had a great Christmas despite not really being in the Christmas spirit for a while and Abba loved his cake (I did too). I think Christmas was as great as it was because I not only refocused the reason I celebrated, but because my puppy Marley had her first Christmas with us and she was so excited about her gifts. It was the cutest thing ever!
Then school started back, and the stress came in droves. I failed my first exercise physiology exam. Bad. But, thankfully I have done better on my others. My classes overall have not been hard, I have just been very very busy. I have also been having headaches really badly since December and I just got a new medication that is finally starting to give me some relief.
I have come to the realization that the enemy’s favorite place to attack me is my identity. He likes to try it. Lately all he has been trying to tell me is that I am not who I believe I am, that I have no clue what I want to do with my life and I’m not good enough to do or create my dream career. In other words, he is trying to attack my confidence, my self-esteem. And what is self-esteem but my belief in who I am.
I have struggled with this for as long as I can remember and while I have come a long way – thanks to my Mommy making me listen to Mary Mary’s “Little Girl” over and over until it never left my head or heart – I have a long way still to go. I woke up a couple of mornings ago with Finesse by Bruno Mars and Cardi B playing on loop in my head (I love Jesus but Cardi B…listen lol). It’s not a bad song overall but that just let me know I had been spending just a little too much time listening to Cardi and not enough time in praise and Worship during my Stasia + Abba time.
Anyway, I digress, but as I began to write in my notebook and pour my heart out to my Abba I realized that this is what the enemy does. He waits until I get to a point where I am finally beginning to balance my life, school and making sure to prioritize my relationship with Abba that he comes with this doubt about my future. At least that is what it is lately. See I am officially a senior in college and I graduate next spring (Praise!!) and before I graduate I must complete an internship. This can be pretty stressful since I am still figuring out my career path. It gets more stressful when the enemy adds his extra doubts and lies on top of my natural ones that come with change.
As I was listening to Francesca Battistelli, because she has this gift for writing my life’s soundtrack, her song Strangely Dim came on. I have blogged about this song before. This song was released right before I went back to school – actually, it was released right before I registered for school only to have my classes purged because they failed to tell me that when I paid to reapply my financial aid didn’t adjust to my readmission. Even though I couldn’t form the words to express myself the lyrics spoke my heart
I don’t know I don’t know
What tomorrow may hold
But I know but I know
That you’re holding it all
So no matter what may come
I’m gonna fix my eyes
On all that you are
Til every doubt I feel
Deep in my heart
Grows strangely dim
And so, I did.
And I do
As this song played the other morning Abba brought this to my mind and He reminded me that he still holds it all. I just have to trust him. He will show me what is next whether that is grad school, another internship or work.
My God is faithful, and he never leaves. He’s making me strong, fit, and fearless so that I can do all that he has for me to do. He told me to trust in him and not myself because he would direct my paths (proverbs 3:5-6). He reminded me that it is He who gives me strength and guards me as I walk the path that he has prepared for me (Psalm 18:32). He told me that he is writing my story and that he will complete it. But only when it is time. (Jeremiah 18:6; Philippians 1:6).
Today is my 27th birthday. If I had to say that anything was different about me over the course of this last year would be that I am stronger, in my faith, in myself (or God at work in me) and in my path whatever it may be. I like to think I am also a bit more courageous, I mean I crossed an ocean and went to another country on my own, and to be honest, I can’t wait to do it again. So, I believe that Chapter 26 of my life is ending at the perfect point of uncertainty. I know a bit more about who this new Anastasia is but I still have more to learn. I don’t know what my 27th year holds but I can’t wait to see what this next chapter may hold for me. Cheers to 27.
Playlist
- Strangely Dim by Francesca Battistelli
- Free to Be Me by Francesca Battistelli
- Giants Fall by Francesca Battistelli
- Beautiful, Beautiful by Francesca Battistelli
- Write Your Story by Francesca Battistelli
- Known by Tauren Wells
- Carried Me by Marvin Sapp
- Gracefully Broken by Tasha Cobbs Leonard
