Lately I have been thinking a lot about being comfortable in my own skin. Living my best life on my own terms or rather God’s terms that I have adopted as my own and chasing after His heart.
It’s funny because since this has been on the forefront of my mind I have come to notice just how much I worry about people’s opinions of me. In class, at church, on campus (where no one really knows me to be honest so why should I care?), I always feel like someone is watching me. (cue MJ song) or if my answer was the right one. (for who exactly?) This was absolutely astounding to me that I am so concerned because I pride myself on being unbothered.
Well I’m not.
I used to think that I was. But over time something happened. I got so concerned with seeming unbothered that it became more of a chore than a way of being. I have no reason whatsoever to care what anyone thinks of me. Most of the people around me on campus don’t know I exist so why would they have an opinion of me. I don’t think I am invisible, I just think that a girl walking through the quad on her way to class is not something that stands out on a college campus where everyone is doing the same thing. Why would they notice me when they have things on their minds to worry about?
Which brings me to the main topic of this post. Identity.
What defines who you are?
Is it you your faith? your hair color? your family? your interests and personality? all of the above?
Where is the line that separates who you are from who you appear to be?
Identity, according to Webster’s dictionary, is defined as the distinguishing character or personality of an individual: individuality.
In the short 27 years of life I have lived, I realized that your identity is all these things and more and the line is very thin. Sometimes it takes a while to realize that we have crossed it. We often want to appear to have it all together. At least I do. Because if someone saw how truly broken I am they might not look at me the same.
So, why do I insist on putting up this façade, and not letting anyone see behind my perfect Christian mask. I don’t know yet. But it’s almost as if admitting you are broken means that you are less of a Christian, at least it seems like it to me. But how can God make us into who we are meant to be if we aren’t first broken from the things that keep us from allowing Him to do His best work.
I watched the movie God’s Not Dead: A light in the Darkness the other night and there was a line said by one of the characters that really resonated with me. She said, “The whole world knows what the church is against but it’s getting harder and harder to know what it’s for.”
Could this be a part of the reason for that?
Because we as Christians are so busy trying to appear to be perfect Christians that we end up not being very Christ like at all?
A perfect Christian, I think, is one who knows that they aren’t perfect. They aren’t afraid to be broken and they aren’t afraid to show it.
A great example of this in the bible was King David. (1 – 2 Samuel)
I must admit, the first time I read his story, I wanted to fight him. And I did have to take a break from reading after the whole Uriah and Bathsheba incident because seriously…he didn’t have that to do. But what I loved the most about King David, who was known as a man after God’s own heart, was that even when he messed up, which was a lot, he always ran back to God. He wasn’t afraid to show his people that his heart was for God alone and because of that he was one of the greatest kings Israel had ever known.
So, when I ask myself am I comfortable in my own skin, I can honestly answer yes and no. I know who I am, but I don’t always show that. I know that the life I am meant to lead is not one that goes with the crowd, but I would be lying if I said that sometimes I wish it was. Because, when you are meant to go against the crowd, you do it alone more often than not. I am growing more comfortable with that fact every day and every year of my life. But if I want to truly live the life I am meant to live, the life that God keeps telling me I am meant to live it will come with tests. I am determined to pass them. You can’t become a warrior without ever going to war. And if my scars begin to show then I will wear them proudly because they are a part of my story.
Playlist
- Stained Glass Masquerade by Casting Crowns
- Gracefully Broken by Tasha Cobbs Leonard
- The Breakup Song by Francesca Battistelli
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