So I posted this picture of myself.
I look like I am super happy and confident, but literally just before these pictures were taken I was freaking out and not wanting to take them because I felt fat.
Fat.
Now, I am far from fat. I work really hard to stay in shape and live a healthy lifestyle. And I am super excited to have gained weight because now my clothes fit (it is no fun when you can’t even fit a size 00 pair of shorts).
Anyway, I kept saying how I didn’t like it. I didn’t like the way my stomach looked in it or that my abs don’t look as tight as they could. I didn’t want to keep looking at mysef critically, but it was like I couldn’t stop. Like to the point where the friend I was working out with was getting annoyed. I wasn’t saying it to get compliments or so that they could make me feel better. I just wasn’t happy. And then I was annoyed because I was really excited when I bought that set. It was really cute and I couldn’t wait to wear it.
Later that night, I finally sat down and forced myself to question why I felt that way. I realized that although I am happy with my weight gain, the attention that it brings makes me feel self conscious. I know that the people around me see me as so much more than how I look. I am blessed with a circle of people who constantly remind me that the best parts of me are the parts you don’t readily see. I’m so grateful for them. But there is still the part of me that doesn’t feel good enough or pretty enough or whatever enough.
Even in the amazing place I’m in mentally, physically and spiritually, I still have to battle those thoughts. Because the truth is I am enough. I am my toughest critic, but not all of those critical thoughts have to be voiced. So what if my stomach isn’t as ripped as I would like? That just means I have to be more diligent in my core workouts. Also at 29, my body is changing again, preparing for my 30s and well, that is a beautiful thing. I can only imagine how much more I will change in the coming years, and I want to love my body through each phase.
So cheers to the girls who still struggle from time to time with their body image. You are the image of the one true God. He doesn’t make mistakes. You are beautiful. You are amazing and you are sexy (even if it feels awkward to say so lol).
Song list
- Unbreakable smile by Tori Kelly
