Ok I gotta admit,
When 2021 came in I was convinced I was gonna do ALL THE THINGS.
2020 was a such good year…I felt like I grew a lot. I didn’t accomplish as much as I had hoped but I made so much progress.
More progress than I expected to make in such a trying year. So when the new year came and I started applying for jobs as the world opened back up I was puzzled as to why I wasn’t getting hired.
I mean seriously I had experience, I have a degree…
What. the. Fluff.
Then I got what seemed like it could potentially be the dream job.
And all before my 30th birthday. HUZZAH
Everything was looking up. I was ready to crush all my goals.
Except for some reason even though it seemed like life was looking up in this one area, my writing was not coming as easily as it had been. It was like my creative juices had all but dried up. I had all these goals for the first part of 2021 mostly to continue writing consistently.
And the big audacious reading list I had for 2021…
Please.
I think I have been reading the same book since April…
Which coincidentally is also probably the last time I really sat down to write. I have been trying to figure out why that is.
A part of it is, that now I’m working so I have fewer hours of free time, but my weekends are still mine and my mornings too. So what’s my excuse?
In the last few months it seems like my faith has been on trial. And I can’t help but want to ask why, except I know why. Clearly it’s because God trusts me a lot more than I trust myself to handle all I’m facing. I have always been more inclined to trust God but not trust His judgment when He shows me that I can handle whatever He places before me. If God created me and lives in me why can’t I do whatever He created me to do? The audacity of me to doubt my abilities. The abilities He gave me. I can be a really confusing sometimes.
I was talking to mom a while ago when I was first starting out at work and I told her I have not ever had to work hard to be good at something before. Like in my entire 30 years of life I don’t recall this being the case. It has always either come easily for me or I really wasn’t all that interested in it so I didn’t care if I was good or bad at it. I’ve always caught on to the things I really wanted to do fairly easily and not struggled long in it.
Except with this.
I love my job don’t get me wrong but sometimes the temptation to quit and just try something that comes easier to me is strong.
It’s tough. I know this means I’m growing into a new version of myself and I can’t help but wonder who she is.
Will I like her?
Admire her?
Respect her?
Be intimidated by her?
The control freak in me that likes to know what’s going on is not happy. Trusting God when I have no idea is always tough but He hasn’t let me down yet so I’m gonna go out on a limb and say he won’t let me down this time either.
So here goes another lesson and another level. In Jesus Name. Let’s do this.
Song List
- Wait on You by Elevation Worship and Maverick City Worship (honestly you can just put the entire Old Church Basement Album on repeat, you won’t be disappointed)
- Walk on Water by Elevation Rhythm
- Never Forget by Gary LeVox feat Jonathan Mcreynolds
