I gave my heart to Jesus when I was 3 years old. I was old enough to know that I wanted Jesus to live in my heart but not yet old enough to know what that truly meant.
Fast forward to age 12, we are at church and the pastor has the children come up to the alter. He asked us if we were sure that Jesus lived in our heart (or something to that effect). To me I thought it was a no brainer. I mean, I was still pretty shy with talking to God, and we were still learning each other but, sure he lives in my heart. One girl said she wasn’t sure.
Wait what?
How can someone not be sure?
I began to question if in fact Jesus was in my heart. I feel like He is but maybe I’m wrong. So, when the pastor asked for all of those who weren’t sure to stay and pray, I stayed. After the prayer though, I didn’t feel any different because God had already been there. I just hadn’t quite learned to trust Him.
I like to say that God and I grew up together because I feel as though we did. He has always been a part of my life even when I was too shy to speak directly to Him, I could feel Him there listening to my ramblings. It was like He was patiently waiting for me to get comfortable enough with Him to really pour my heart out. Around this same time, I got a notebook from my cousin as a gift, and I began to write. It started as a diary, and it helped me to get more comfortable with sharing my thoughts even if it were just with my diary.
I feel like we stayed in the early stages of our relationship for so long because up until that point I hadn’t really gone through anything, so I didn’t have to really exercise my faith in Him much. And to be honest, at that time I wasn’t sure that I wanted to be a Christian as it didn’t seem like it allowed me to have much fun. None of my friends seemed to be Christian and who, at 13, wants to stand out? At age 14, however, my life changed forever when Hurricane Katrina hit my home city of New Orleans, LA. God and I were close friends but not best friends yet. I decided then, that even though it didn’t seem like much fun to be Christian, I really didn’t want to lose God too along with the only home I had ever known.
We moved to a little town in Southwest Missouri called Monett, and to this day whenever someone asks how we ended up there we say Jesus. Because He knew exactly what we needed. He knew I needed encouragement in our relationship, and to see that being a Christian could be fun so that I would stick with Him. We didn’t know anyone up there, but they loved Jesus and so did we. (Literally the best common ground to have.) Although I haven’t been back to Missouri since I graduated high school, I will forever credit the move there for helping my relationship with God to grow into a deeper more mature one. Because when the hardest year of my life up until that point happened, I had the relationship I needed to help me through it.
Age 16, my junior year in high school, will forever be etched in my mind because it was the best and worst year of my life. It was the best because God and I talked often and I was completely comfortable talking to Him not just praying, my grades were awesome, I was confident in myself again, I had friends, I had one of the top times for the 400m in track and field and so many other things. It was the worst because my best friend on this earth, my grandma, the woman who taught me how to read and how to pray and so many other things was sick. She had battled heart disease for as long as I could remember, but she always bounced back. This time she wasn’t. Her journey on this side of heaven was ending.
I do not remember a lot of that year, but as the years pass, I remember bits and pieces. I wrote a lot during that time and prayed even more. My diary which later became my journal, had become my notebook, my outlet to write my prayers to God. To document all that I was dealing with. God literally carried me through that time, and I cannot imagine how I would have gotten through any of that year without Him. He listened and comforted and truly understood every emotion I was having when no one else seemed to get it. Our relationship grew so much that year that although that year was awful, I am so thankful for it. Where I thought I was completely comfortable with God I know now that the next stage of us was so much better.
And now a decade later, with many more hard years and even more amazing ones (including age 26 when Abba and I went to Greece!) I am so glad that God has been in my heart for as long as He has been. Even when I was afraid to talk to Him, and when I was ashamed to admit He meant as much to me as he does, He still honored the prayer of 3-year-old Anastasia and came into my heart and never left.
Our relationship is a bit different now as before I was learning to rely on Him, now He is teaching me to rely on myself, and let me tell you that is a lot easier said than done. He is growing me for the tasks He has for me and while some days are easier than others, I wouldn’t trade our journey together for the world.
