Earlier this year one of my dad’s first cousins told the family that he was battling cancer.
Naturally this thew everyone for a loop but we know that God is bigger than any disease so even though the prognosis wasn’t great we trust God to heal him in whatever way He sees fit. Obviously we want him here but ultimately we want what God wants.
Well, just after Thanksgiving we found out that this same cousin’s older brother, not only was suffering from the same cancer but was now on hospice…
Wait. What?
We’ve been talking to him a lot. We have family zoom calls every two weeks because we don’t all live close and COVID-19 hasn’t really allowed for a lot of traveling. Also we don’t know my Dad’s side of the family as well as my Mom’s side so it’s been fun getting to know everyone better.
He hadn’t said anything until now.
A few days ago my great aunt called to tell us he was gone.
Just like that.
My dad and uncles have lost a cousin that’s basically a brother.
His brothers have lost their oldest brother, just a year or so after losing their mom.
His children have lost their dad…
His wife, her best friend…
My great Aunt has had to bury both of her older sisters and now her nephew.
It’s been a long time since our family has had close family members die and I’m so grateful we’ve been spared this grief for so many years. But when I tell you 2020 has not pulled any punches…
To be honest I knew him more from stories my daddy tells us about him and his brothers and cousins growing up. We never met in person only via zoom, but I can’t help but grieve with my family.
This morning I was listening to music while doing my hair and Questions by Tori Kelly came on…the bridge of the song struck me…because both literally and figuratively isn’t this the way grief feels when it’s fresh?
What happens when the healing never comes?
Do we stand and curse the heavens
Or lift our hands and feel the sun
The mystery’s not clear
Just once, Your voice I’d love to hear
What happens when the healing never comes?
Honestly I really just thought about the literal part first. Why didn’t he get healed on this side of heaven? Why does cancer even freaking exist anymore?
But then I thought about it figuratively. When life gets tough and you don’t know which way is up. When it seems like the rain starts falling and it just keeps getting harder and you know that in time you’ll look back and see the growth from this season but right now you just can’t see that far.
Isn’t that a part of our walk with God though? It always seems like He’s silent when we need him the most but I’m learning that He is still here. He just wants us to trust Him. Faith isn’t for when life is going great. It’s for when life is exploding all around you. And just like the Psalm 46:10 says this is the time to stand still and know…
So now I must be silent
Your voice is in the winds
The hands that made the heavens
Will heal the storm within
I have so many questions
I don’t know where to begin
Since You were there at the beginning
You already know the end…
So as 2020 comes closer to ending and a new year begins let’s keep walking in the assurance that God is here with us. Every day though every tear and scream of anger and frustration. He’s here, He’s listening and when no one else can He can handle every emotion we feel.
Song list
- Questions by Tori Kelly
- Never Alone by Tori Kelly
- Just as Sure by Tori Kelly
- Situation by Jonathan Mcreynolds
